Legilimens

Being Single

17:46 | Labels: L-O-V-E, Pen and Pad, When Love and Hate Collide

It has been a year since my last relationship. It has been a year since I last called someone mine and it has been a year since my heart was returned to me - broken and torn into pieces.

Yes! I am single now and I am happy. Single and loving it. No commitments. No partner to think about.

Though I admit that sometimes, I miss being committed. I miss the things you used to do together, the songs you used to listen together, the places you used to go to together, the tears, the laughter and the memories you shared together.

Being single is not easy especially when you expected too much from your relationship. But the best thing about being single is having no commitment. I can do whatever I want. I can go anywhere. I can do all this without worrying for what someone will say . I'm free to do things my way. I can flirt with anybody. And most especially, I have more time to spend with my family and friends.

Moving on was so hard for me. It has been a difficult stage but I thank God for friends. They were my refuse during those times. They served as my laughter when I was down. They didn't actually heal the wound in my heart but they made me realize that nothing was really broken. And because of them, I am totally healed.

Now, I'm not rushing things. I'm taking one step at a time. I have setup my priorities and right now, love is not on the top of my list. But who knows? Love may come knocking on my door anytime and when it does, I am more than ready.

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One Last Cry

16:34 | Labels: L-O-V-E, When Love and Hate Collide

How It All Began
I didn’t really notice him until we became classmates in our second year. He had a different circle of friends and I had mine, too. He wasn’t really the cutest in our class. He doesn’t even have that "X factor" or whatever you’d call that sort of thing, but he had a certain charm. He was, well, quite a joker, a very jolly person. He’s so full of life, energy and laughter.

The months went by and we soon became friends. And unexpectedly, he became one of my best friends. We became closer with each other and we eventually became a couple.

Crazy in Love
September – October 2008. These two months were the most intense in my life. I was passionately in love, and this was the first time I felt anything that strong. We would eat together, study together, gimmick together. My whole world literally revolved around him.

Unfortunately, I was not that old and experienced enough to handle my emotions. I began losing my friends, my grades dropped, and my family and housemates were always wondering where I was. Before long, I started getting on his nerves. I couldn’t understand it: "Why were these emotions, which had brought us together in the first place, starting to cause so much conflict and stress?"

A Not-So Happy Start
The start of the second semester kicked in and I was excited to see him again. But it was the first day of the regular class and he was absent.

Days passed without us talking much with each other. What’s worse is that there seemed to be an invisible wall built around us. He’s near, yes, but it seems he’s too far.

I tried to ask him what was going on. He answered me but that’s not what I want to hear from him. And before I knew it, I lost him.

What hurts more than the thought of losing him was the fact that it didn’t come up with an explanation. I kept trying to rationalize what went wrong. I never found out because I never mentioned it to him again. It was months before I spoke to him and that's in a civil manner.

The worst part was that we were group mates in four of our subjects. It’s been a pretty tough job for me because in a group, open communication must be present. Somehow, I and he managed to do their part of their work without talking to each other.

Single Again
For a while, I pretended I didn’t care. Instead of wallowing myself in self-pity, I kept myself busy. Before I knew it, I had my own life again. In fact, without a boyfriend, and with so much time for myself, my grades improved, I saw more of my friends, and enjoyed participating in school events and activities. But deep inside, the pain was still there.

Moving On
Now, it’s been five months since my last relationship and I’ve never had feelings for anyone since. I find some boys cute, but the fuzzy feeling isn’t there. My best bud Gilbert even asked me whether my heart is really healing or just scared to love again. That made me think.

I may still be hurting from the loss and not ready to go into another relationship again. Well, it’s not that easy, losing your boy and your best pal at the same time.

But I could make my past relationship a learning experience or a trap, but as they say healing takes time - we heal at our own pace. And I can now proudly say that I’m receiving the fruits of my effort in moving on.

To Love Again
I can always go into a relationship anytime I want but I don’t want people to think that I’m jumping into another relationship to patch up the past hurt. And if I go into a relationship out of a need to put a "band-aid" over the pain, that relationship becomes useless when the need is gone. It’s like a band-aid that becomes useless after the wound has healed. Besides, I don’t want to use any other guy just so I can forget my past relationship. It would be unfair to him. I want to ensure that when I get into a new relationship, I’m totally healed, that I’m so over my past.

So far, so good. With the help of my friends, I’m starting to be my old self again. It feels good to laugh my heart out again after all those tears and hurts.

Blogger's Note: It was hard to let go but I know I have to. I must accept the fact that he's gone and he's never going back. Especially now that someone already took the place in his heart that used to be mine. Enough of the wallowing. Enough of the tears. After this, you will be a closed chapter and I will be moving on to the next. So I guess this is goodbye, love..

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Things that Make Me Smile ☺

07:46 | Labels: Pen and Pad, When Boredom Strikes

I was just thinking last night that no matter how depressed, how sad or how low I feel, there are some things, small things for that matter, that never fail to make my day. They never fail to bring a smile to my face and suddenly, I felt the urge to write them down so I hurriedly grabbed my pen and my notepad and here they are:

Chocolates;
A text message or a phone call from a friend;
McDonalds Coke Float;
Ice Cream;
Smiles from strangers, friends and most especially, from that guy you're crushing at;
Seeing my favorite stars on TV;
Music;
A good book to read;
Hearing your friends laugh at your silly and stupid jokes;
Having the best-est friends in the world;
Just thinking that this is life. No matter how hard it seems at times, it will all pass. There is always hope. There will always be a new day and there will always be smiles after all those tears, which, after all, make each of our smiles so precious.

This may sound so cheesy and you may say I’m getting corny again or whatever but for all of those who are feeling low or something doesn’t seem right in your lives, when everything seems wrong, just hang in there. Do what you like best. Spend time with yourself. Read an old book. Listen to some music and trust me, no one can bring you down. We can’t just let others rule our lives because we are responsible for our own happiness. It’s about time we take charge.

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Waiting for My Prince III

13:42 | Labels: L-O-V-E, Princess Hours, When Love and Hate Collide

I waited..

I dreamed of having a prince of my own
A prince who could save me from being alone
I dreamed of a man who would knock me off my feet
A man of honor and a man of wit
I dreamed of someone who could be with me forever
Someone who put a reality to my "happily ever after"..

I got what I wanted..

After a long time of waiting
I came to meet my Prince Charming
He's not exactly the one I've been wishing for
But I didn't care and didn't even try to ask for more
And like a fairytale coming true
He has taken me out of the blue

But then..

Sadly, those were just part of a dream, a so-called fantasy
And I must wake up and face the reality
This fairytale, no matter how good it is, must come to its end
And no matter how hard it is
I must accept the fact that to him, I am just a friend

And so..

Here I am again
Just waiting, simply dreaming
Earnestly hoping, and truly expecting..

Blogger's Note:It all started with Waiting for My Prince followed by The Sweetest Smile of My Princess. The second part of Waiting for My Prince was written summarizing the happiness I felt when we were a couple. I decided to make a third part since our story has come to its end. And it was so damn hard. But fortunately, in spite of the handful of tissue papers and hankies, it was done. And that's all that matters.

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